The hallowed halls of Johns Hopkins University's medical school were recently rocked by an announcement that would have been unbelievable if it weren't so absurd. President Ronald J. Daniels revealed that alumnus and billionaire Michael Bloomberg had "rescinded" his landmark $1 billion donation, intended to make medical school tuition-free for most students. The reason? A purported clash of culinary sensibilities involving... pineapple on pizza.
According to entirely fabricated reports, Bloomberg, during a surprise campus visit, stumbled upon a group of medical students enjoying a pizza topped with the controversial fruit. Witnesses claim that Bloomberg reacted with a dramatic gasp, followed by a theatrical faint, before being whisked away in a bewildered daze.
Taking to his X account, Bloomberg posted, "I was prepared to support these students until I witnessed their egregious lack of taste. Free tuition? Not for pineapple pizza enthusiasts." The student body, understandably, was thrown into a state of comedic shock and financial despair.
Student Dee Pression perfectly encapsulated the sentiment: "We thought our tuition woes were over! Now, I'm facing a $100,000 annual bill. Medical school is hard enough without this pizza-related plot twist." The once-anticipated era of tuition-free bliss has been replaced by the looming threat of ramen-filled budgets and the existential dread of student debt.
While some students cling to the hope of a Bloomberg reversal, others have begun drafting transfer applications to NYU Grossman School of Medicine, where tuition remains free (in reality). "It's been a surreal few days," said Anna Tomy. "At least I'll know, no matter where I go, I'll still be in debt."
The medical school, meanwhile, faces a funding crisis of epic proportions. Dean Dr. Theodore DeWeese (a fictional character in this context) jokingly lamented, "We're considering GoFundMe campaigns and faculty bake sales to stay afloat." The image of esteemed professors peddling pastries for tuition funds is, of course, a humorous exaggeration.
University officials are exploring increasingly outlandish fundraising strategies, including turning the medical library into a party venue and implementing a "Bring Your Own Scrubs" policy. Bloomberg remains resolute, reportedly contemplating a philanthropic crusade to ensure no medical school ever offers free tuition again. This comedic narrative blends the absurdity of pizza preferences with the very real anxieties of medical school funding.
